The One Where Voldemort Kidnaps Us
by polydora
Summary: Voldemort kidnaps Hermione and the cast of Friends, forcing them to continue the show because he was a big fan (hence his Friends t-shirt and cap). Now Harry must save Hermione and the cast! Written by Kelly and I. Remember: It's a parody!
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: Kelly and I do not own Harry Potter or any of it's characters. But we do own Helen.. Muahaha!**

Voldemort sat in his leather La-Z-Boy recliner, his legs crossed comfortably. The night was dark and the clouds were bloated with rain. It was May 6th, the last episode of Friends. Voldemort knew this. He thought, perhaps, that the entire school of Hogwarts knew this. Perhaps Harry too sat in a comfortable La-Z-Boy, a bag of chips in his hand, preparing himself for two hours of Jennifer Aniston, Matthew Perry, Courteney Cox, Lisa Kudrow, Matt LeBlanc, and David Schwimmer.   
  
Voldemort squirmed in his tightly fit Friends t-shirt and matching cap. His eyes grew wide as the opening theme played from his television. "I'll be there for you..." He whispered along eerily with the Rembrants, tapping his foot subconsciously. His english accent protruded brutally. He successfully clapped along with the song. He smiled. He spent 6 years, including the ones he wasted tormenting Harry, learning that swift, obnoxious clap that drove dogs and goats crazy.  
  
Two hours went by all too fast. And for the first time, he cried. He crawled pitifully from his recliner, his thin, knobby fingers touching the rolling credits. "I need more." He muttered. He glanced at his empty bag of Doritos and his stomach growled. "More chips.. Not to mention more episodes of Friends." He stood. "More.."  
  
He went for the phone. He dialed the number of the producer of Friends. He had memorized it since he had complained about Bruce Willis's appearances as Paul Stevens, but absence after three episodes. The phone was answered.  
  
"Hello?" Voldemort recalled the producer's voice. Yes, it was the producer he was speaking to.  
  
"Hello.. It's umm.. Stewart again." Voldemort had used an alias to cover his identity.. He wasn't sure of how much the muggles knew.  
  
"Dammit, Stew. What do you want?"  
  
"I need more." He growled.  
  
"More T-shirts? Look, the last one was free because I had a latte. Lattes make me happy."  
  
"No, no.. More episodes."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You heard me. More episodes. Get Jennifer and David.. The entire cast while your at it. I need more."  
  
"They've signed the papers. It's over, Stew. Friends is over."  
  
"No.. NOOOOO!!" Voldemort dropped the phone.  
  
"I need more." He strode toward the window, watching cars roll by. "If the producer won't abide my orders, the cast will..." He drummed his fingers against the window sill. "Blast!" He exclaimed, slamming his fist.  
  
The force in his slamming caused the window to slide down, crushing his fingers. "Aaargh! Bloody hell, I say!" He squirmed, pulling his fingers from the window. It wouldn't budge. He tried lifting it with his body, but no avail.  
  
"Don't swear! I've already gone through a package of soap washing your mouth out. You're probably the most sterile kid on the block." She waddled to his chair, her short, pudgy fingers grabbing his Doritos bag and dropping it into the trash. "Your fingers caught in the window again?" His mother, Helen, said. "You know, your not going to always going to get your way. And when you slam your fist on the sill, that's not going to help." She said, putting her hands on her hips.  
  
Voldemort sighed. He hadn't time for another lecture. "Not now, Helen! I'm not a kid! Just help me get my fingers out of the window!" He said, struggling not to burst into a teary rage. His fingers were going numb.  
  
"It's mother! Call me mother! You're not going to get my help if you treat me like another one of your Death Chewers or whatever you call them.." She said.  
  
"Death Eaters, mother! Death Eaters!" He corrected.  
  
"Whatever."  
  
"Mother, just get my fingers out!" He said, cursing under his breath.  
  
"Fine." With ease, she lifted the window.   
  
"Thank you." Voldemort shook the pain from his fingers.  
  
"So, what's the slamming your fist for anyway?" Helen said, wandering to the fridge.  
  
"Friends.. It's over." Voldemort grew near to tears again.  
  
"Don't be such a cry baby. And I know your not gonna do something unless it involves Harry, so throw out any ambition of possibly bringing it back." She said, searching the fridge.  
  
"It will involve Harry!" Voldemort wandered to his La-Z-Boy, leaning on the armrest. "Yes.. That show was nothing without Bruce Willis! Nothing!"  
  
"Sounds like Voldey's got a crush."  
  
"No mother! He's just a dream.. Only a dream.. Anyways, I will involve Harry Potter.. I will.." He said, once again striding to the window. "I will." He drummed his fingers on the sill. Too bad Helen hadn't locked it in place. The window came down on his already sore fingers again. "Blast!" He gasped.

**_Kelly and I hope you enjoyed our prologue to "The One Where Voldemort Kidnaps Us"! The prologue was written by me, Allison, so wait for more Bruce-Willis-loving fun in our next chapter, authorized by Kelly! Once again, R&R!_**


	2. Lost, Drunk, and High

"Paty...Posse...Parsley...Oh hell"  
  
Harry Potter fell into a couch in the 'Lions Den'. (Really it was just a glorified empty classroom in Hogwarts, but don't tell Harry that, he's as bitchy as a teenage girl PMSing) In one hand was a bottle with orange juice and vodka and his other was a fag. Ron Weasley shook his head at the actions of his best friend, but he was used to it and there was a fag in between his own lips also, so he couldn't really talk.   
  
"D'you mean party?"   
  
Ron looked up at Harry with black eyes, he thought contacts were the greatest muggle invention out there, and smirked. There was one thing to say about Harry Potter drunk, he acted an idiot. Harry glowered at Ron and went to throw his screwdriver (the vodka and orange juice for you pure people) at him but decided to chug some down instead.   
  
"Yea.....parteh....we should have a parteh in celebration of that stupid show Friends ending"   
  
Ron's eyebrows knitted together in a frown, he liked Friends, he had the shirts, and the boxers, and the hat.....ok he was obsessed with it but he didn't think anyone noticed really. Rubbing his forehead Ron shrugged.  
  
"Your deal 'arry, you wanta party you invite everyone. As of now I'm going to the common room to feed Trini..."  
  
Harry watched Ron put out his fag and toss it out the window, he never understood why Ron dealt with the Hippogriff. Granted the thing was a new sub species and only the size of a large dog but still, it hated everyone but the trio and was pure black. Though the pet suited Ron's look perfect. Black, black, and more black. He even wore black nail polish and black kohl. Harry couldn't remember why he was friends with a Goth with flaming red hair but then again Harry couldn't remember a lot of things when drunk-which was usually always- Anyways Ron was a good depressant to have around.   
  
As Harry was thinking about his best friend Ron was walking down the corridors his hands running through his hair. Smelling pot for a moment he rolled his eyes, Hermione again. Deciding not to bother her, hey she could be masturbating while she got high or something, he continued onto his own room. A few moments after turning into a different corridor he heard someone yelling.  
  
"Ronald! Ronald! Get your arse over here!"  
  
Ron groaned and stopped walking as Luna Lovegood ran up to him and punched him in the arm, not hard enough to hurt him though. He knew what was coming next and going over to the wall he leaned against it and took out another fag wondering if he stuck it up his ear Luna would go away.  
  
"Ronald Weasley I can not believe you would just ditch me like that! I was waiting in the Quidditch locker room for at least an hour! You did this last week at the Library too!"  
  
Ron shook his head and pushed off the wall and took a drag of his fag. He sighed wondering when Luna would get it, he didn't want a make over and become a happy person he was fine with being dark, morbid, and well Gothic.   
  
"Sod off Luna, I don't want a make over but Harrys up in the Lion's Den and could use a good 'cheering up'."  
  
"Now don't you go on about not needing a make ov- Wait did you just Harry was free?"  
  
With a devious giggle Luna zipped off to the Lion's Den. Ron watched her go and sighed.   
  
"Poor sap, doesn't know what's coming to 'im"  
  
**20 minutes later**  
  
"Bloody Hell, why is it always _me_ who gets lost?!"   
  
Ron growled and walked into his room sopping wet with his kohl eyeliner running down his cheeks. Shaking himself like a dog he went over to Trini's cage opening it jumping back when the thing tried to bite his hands off.  
  
"God Damn bird"   
  
Stripping out of his clothes he tossed them in the corner and changed into his night clothes. Putting on a dry set of robes he stuck his wand in his pocket and headed for the door.   
  
"C'mon Trin we're going at this godforsaken hour to the kitchens so we can get you some damn food"  
  
Aside from being a depressing, angry young man Ron also had a slight, wee problem with cursing. At the word kitchen Trini ran to Ron's side and started acting very nice and lovely like. Ron just rolled his eyes. _'Stupid hungry bird_' He thought to himself as he and Trini left the room. As they walked to the kitchen he looked down at the Hipogriff, the guy he bought her from said she would be able to say simple phrases if she came to like him well enough. So far not a single peep out of the bird. '_I knew he was leading me on, bloody bastard'_ Shaking his head he went up a staircase.  
  
**30 minutes later**  
  
"I hate bloody Hogwarts, I hate bloody Hogwarts, I hate bloody Hogwarts. Why do I _always_ get lost?!"   
  
He growled finally standing in front of the portrait of fruit. Trini was at his side snapping at his leg.   
  
"Ok, ok, damn feather ball I'm getting you food"  
  
Tickling the pear the two walked in the now open doorway and into the kitchen. Immediately a house elf ran up to them.  
  
"What can I get for your sir?"  
  
The elf asked in a high pitched voice. Ron sighed rubbing his temples, he hated house elf's voices they were always so high pitched and annoying.   
  
"Meat, raw"   
  
Ron said it simply then went to sit on a stool to wait, he watched Trini, she looked like she was about to snap up some house elves pretty soon. _'Guess she hates 'em as much as I do'_ Chuckling darkly he scratched his scalp.   
  
When the house elf came back with the meat and put it in front of Trini he swore he heard a soft "Woooooo!" before she dug in. Shaking his head he closed his eyes. _'Hearing woooooo's from my bird....wow I'm really messed up'_

**_First chapter! W00t! If you have any questions, please feel free to e-mail me! My e-mail is in my profile. Please R&R! Author: Kelly_**


	3. Divination in Drag

Suddenly Harry stumbled into the kitchen, the painting sliding shut behind him. Ron watched him, shaking his head. _'Bloody drunk.._' He thought.  
  
"Ron! Ron.." He said, stumbling towards him. Harry sat on a stool beside him, leaning very closely to Ron. Ron had to shove him away a bit to prevent Harry from losing his balance. "What is it?" Ron asked.  
  
"You're missing Divinations.." Harry said. Divinations was Ron's favorite, so this was probably the first important thing Harry had said in weeks. Ron had great interest in anything that had to do with the supernatural. Ron stood up from his stool. Luckily he already had his bookbag slung around his shoulder. "Harry, where's your books?" He asked.  
  
"What? Oh.. Sold 'em for some vodka.. It's german or something. Real fancy. You want some?" Harry said.  
  
"No, no. I've got an extra Div book. You can borrow that." Ron sighed. "I'll give it to you when we get to class. But first I gotta take Trin back to the common room."  
  
Harry nodded and started toward the door. Ron looked at Trini. "Trin? Up and adam." Trin hissed and finished her last slab of meat, hurrying to her feet. Her claws scratched the floor as she caught up with the two. They all headed out of the kitchen, the painting sliding shut behind them.  
  
**5 minutes later  
**  
After dropping Trini off at the Slytherin common room, Harry and Ron headed up the spiraling staircase to Divinations. Ron looked at Harry.  
  
"Harry, how did you get down the hall without passing out?" Ron said. Harry now had his arm slung around Ron's shoulders and was leaning more than half of his weight on him.  
  
"Some gum your brothers sold me.. They said it also prevents hangovers. I got a box full." Harry said. Ron had to admit that he looked a little sedated.  
  
"Harry, don't buy from them! They sell nothing but drugs. Don't you ever ask yourself why Hermione is always looking for them?" Ron said. He began to wonder how drugs had helped Harry down the hall.. He also wondered how many brain cells he had lost. Guessing by how many martinis Ron knew Harry had guzzled, a little more than 30.  
  
In seconds they were striding into the Divinations classroom. Mr.. Or Ms. Trelawney was standing before the chalkboard, oblivious to his masculinity. You see, Mr.. or Ms. Trelawny is a man in drag. His real name is Silas Trelawney, not Sybil. Sybil was his old girlfriend's name. His obsession over her died when she dumped him, leaving him with depression. His depression lead to confusion in his masculinity, when he realized he looked good in a dress. The class generally liked him. He was a nice guy, just the makeup and the dress was distracting. He would   
  
Anyways, "Sybil" hadn't his glasses, so he hadn't noticed Harry and Ron come in. Even if he did, he would be too occupied with adjusting his strangely pointy breasts (actually cone-shaped cups from the teacher's lounge stuffed into his dress).  
  
"Take out your tea cups and tea leaves. Like before, mash them into your cup until they are like fluid." He said in his low, middle-aged voice. He began to wipe away some running mascara while he waited patiently.  
  
It took a few minutes for the class to mash their leaves into the bowl. Ron was done in a flash, and Harry was.. Well, Harry was busy drinking. With a nudge from Ron, Harry followed Silas's instructions. Silas walked casually toward Ron and Harry, his dress swinging at his heels with a slight jingle from his bell-adorned scarf. "Let me take a look at your's, Harry."  
  
Harry stared, horrified. He began to cover up his crotch. "No, Harry. He means your tea leaves." Ron whispered. Harry blinked. "My what?!" He whispered back. "Just give him the cup." Ron said. Harry obliged and gave Silas his tea cup. Silas inspected it, suddenly gasping. The class gasped with him.  
  
"Dear god.." Silas whispered. "What? What is it?" Ron said. Harry grabbed the cup from him, suddenly realizing what Silas meant. He studied a smudged picture of a group of people holding hands, above the Friends logo. "What does it mean?" Ron asked.  
  
"Oh.. Friends.. I don't understand. Possibly they've been kidnapped, on account of that gun and bondage in the lower right." Silas said. Ron leaned over and noticed a smudged depiction of someone blindfolded with a gun at their side.   
  
"I see." Ron said. "And there's a symbol for weed... What does that mean?" Ron continued and paused.   
  
"Hermione." Harry said instantly.  
  
"Friends? Hermione? Kidnapped?" Ron asked. "What does it all mean?"   
  
Silas stared at him for what seemed like forever. "Have you been catching a wiff of what Hermione's got?" He asked.   
  
"No.." Ron said, confused.  
  
"Hermione and the cast of Friends will be kidnapped!" Silas exclaimed. 


End file.
